Today the fog is settling over the city. I feel sick to my stomach watching it. Wanting so badly to pack my car and leave. I wish sometimes that I was sitting on my beach in Newport Oregon. Wanting to be around the people I trust and love, my family. I miss so much smelling the ocean air, hearing the sea lions and seagulls calling out in the day and night. I want to see face to face the few people who I finally know I am related to. I can't distinguish what's to keep, and what to ignore. I feel like I have been broken and glued back together. My paradise is filled with weeds.
I feel like there is nothing to be close to out here. Because, I want to rip myself away from everything and hide away. I want to run to Rochester, and snag my kid sister and bring her to the ocean with me. I want to start over. I want to go back to when I was 19, and not fuck my future up.
I know even though I am becoming a nurse I feel like there is so much in my way and that its an ever lasting battle of pushing my boulder up a hill and trying it to stop from rolling back down. I have never felt so found and yet so lost. So together and yet so alone. So torn...
I wish there was a way for me to let go and give in to the day to day things that I need to have. But no one really knows what I am about or who I am. I am caught in the feeling that probably no one will ever know me again for a very long time. I am so stuck in my shell.
I want the waves to crash over me so I can give into the things I want the most. I want to drink, but I'm trying to stay sober. It's not going so well anymore. Well, as well as I want it.
I want to feel my freedom again. I want to be able to let go and let the tears fall but I can't even do that anymore. I want to be... me again.
No one knows me so how can I find me? I guess I will keep searching. I want to go home. And, walk down bay front. And go to old town. Chill on the docks... I really don't know what I want.